9Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor.and12Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 9 reminds us to revere and cherish our spouses:9Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun.
Plain and simple, God intends joy for His children, and He does desire for us to have joy in our marriage relationship, but we have to cherish our mates and view them as God's gift to us - that's a starting point. Marriage is not merely a contract or an arrangement, in God's eyes it is a covenant, and His desire for us is to glorify Him in this relationship He has ordained. It's not to be taken lightly, and we recognize that if He is part of that "threefold cord", referenced in Ecclesiastes 4, He walks with us and will unite our hearts as we place our focus on and trust in Him.
I want to revisit Ephesians chapter 5 and incredible passage that reinforces the beauty of the marriage relationship:
28So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.30For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.31"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
“This nation needs a lot more hope about the institution of marriage.”
1) Believing the Best in One Another: Among the most content of couples, Feldhahn found that a decision to believe the best in one another’s intentions — even when one spouse is emotionally hurt by another — is practically a prerequisite to a happy marriage.
2) Changing Attitudes: Feldhahn also said that couples who have the ability to snap themselves out of their frustrations with one another will also generally be happier. Changing their attitudes when they’re upset is key.
3) The Little Things: Sometimes, the little things really do matter. Feldhahn said that she observed another pattern among the happiest of couples she’s surveyed and interviewed. Whether conscious or not, the couples figured out “a few little things” that make a big difference. This would include men touching their women in seemingly small ways - grabbing her hand while walking across a parking lot, or putting his arm around her and saying, "I love you" randomly, or putting his hand on her knee while driving.
4) Reconnecting Well After Conflict: How couples handle conflict is also key.
“They don’t necessarily follow the advice to not go to bed mad,” she said, noting that it’s all about how the anger is dealt with before bed and what happens the next day. She argues that men need more processing time than women, which means that talking contentious issues out before bed isn’t always the best option.
She elaborated on that in our conversation.
“This nation needs a lot more hope about the institution of marriage.”
That is a quote from a recent article by Billy Hallowell on TheBlaze website from author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn, author of the book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. You can listen to or download a copy of an interview that I conducted with her on the website at MeetingHouseOnline.info.
She says that, “A lot of what makes the happiest marriage is very, very simple stuff.
I am thankful for my marriage to Beth - the Lord has given me a beautiful wife with a heart for Him who loves me unconditionally. We have been married over 23 years, and I think that we grasped early on a simple concept of loving one another and realizing that what we go through, we go through together. We are a team, and agreement is a huge component for us - in our parenting and in our decision-making in a variety of areas. So, I guess that's one of my keys to a highly happy marriage - and we are definitely in that category!
Feldhahn shared five specific characteristics leading to wedded bliss that she noticed among the happiest of couples she spoke with:
Feldhahn shared five specific characteristics leading to wedded bliss that she noticed among the happiest of couples she spoke with:
1) Believing the Best in One Another: Among the most content of couples, Feldhahn found that a decision to believe the best in one another’s intentions — even when one spouse is emotionally hurt by another — is practically a prerequisite to a happy marriage.
2) Changing Attitudes: Feldhahn also said that couples who have the ability to snap themselves out of their frustrations with one another will also generally be happier. Changing their attitudes when they’re upset is key.
3) The Little Things: Sometimes, the little things really do matter. Feldhahn said that she observed another pattern among the happiest of couples she’s surveyed and interviewed. Whether conscious or not, the couples figured out “a few little things” that make a big difference. This would include men touching their women in seemingly small ways - grabbing her hand while walking across a parking lot, or putting his arm around her and saying, "I love you" randomly, or putting his hand on her knee while driving.
4) Reconnecting Well After Conflict: How couples handle conflict is also key.
“They don’t necessarily follow the advice to not go to bed mad,” she said, noting that it’s all about how the anger is dealt with before bed and what happens the next day. She argues that men need more processing time than women, which means that talking contentious issues out before bed isn’t always the best option.
She elaborated on that in our conversation.
And, I think the last one is huge in our culture today:
5) Be All In: In a culture that is characterized by talk of divorce and the failure of many marriages, some couples fear what could become of their unions and, as a result, they become guarded. But Feldhahn said that being “all in” is a key element in good marriages. The happiest couples reported being fully invested in their relationships. She said, “They risked getting their hearts hurt in order to commit to their marriage...They never said the ‘d’ word [divorce] — and they fully committed, fully trusted — even at the risk of themselves. And what happened is they got back the marriage they were longing for.”
I think that there are certain schools of thought regarding marriage that have been normalized today. And, I believe that the thought that if things don't work out, that a couple can just divorce, is exceedingly harmful in our society. And, I recognize that there are many in our audience who have experienced the painful breakup of a marriage, so it is a sensitive subject, and I don't want to minimize that excruciating life event. But I do say that those of us who are married could take a few moments to recommit and reconnect, to remember that we made a vow before God for a lasting marriage, and to recognize that He will give you the strength to work through our areas of pain and conflict, even when hope is fading and the love that you once had may have dissipated.
We have been discouraged by the singular judges across our nation who have decided that they would like to undo hundreds of years of tradition, compelling sociological research, the democratic vote of the people of numerous states, as well as the Biblical definition of marriage as determined by God Himself, and decide that marriage is not just one-man, one-woman. This is a disturbing set of circumstances that has been set in motion over the years and reinforced by the Supreme Court last year, allowing a very, very small percentage of the population. So, we don't minimize that magnamity of these rulings, but these should motivate us to live out our marriages, based on God's Word and infused with love for each other, in a culture that has grown more hostile to the unions that we enjoy.
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